A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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