Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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