you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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