i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
