so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
