Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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