I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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