Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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