I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
