My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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