he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
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I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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