I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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