I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
