Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
