Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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