the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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