I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
