I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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