She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
