That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
