I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
