im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
