Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
