Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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