Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
