i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
