So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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