i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
