I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
