just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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