Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
