My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
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Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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