I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
