From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this boner is exhausting
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
