You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
