yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
