I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
