Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My Higher Power is John Stamos
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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