I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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