Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
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I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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