I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?