I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
