I can text with my tongue
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
