he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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