I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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