Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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