Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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