Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
