Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I had to cum in my sink.
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