Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
