found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
