I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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