I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
