Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
